(03) 9020 2905A week ago, Mrs DebtMan and I had to have a serious talk. The chat was at my instigation. I gave her no warning. Sure, some might call that an ambush.
Sometimes guerrilla tactics are needed. All’s fair in love and war. Particularly when it includes money. And this was about the family’s finances.
With beer in hand, I wandered from the study to the couch she was slumped into, with glass of vino in her hand. “Sweetheart,” I started, “you know that renovation we want to do in a few years?”
Now, Mrs Debtman has many strengths. One of those is the ability to verbally bludgeon people to death in arguments. She’s like Al Capone (Robert De Niro) in The Untouchables. “I want him dead! I want his family dead!” Or simply, like later in the film, with a baseball bat to the back of the head.
She bowls 160kmh Brett Lee bean balls. Absolutely brutal.
“If we’re going to get there in two to four years, we’re going to have to start pulling our heads in on some spending,” I started.
So far, so good. She was still lying down. “Hard to use a baseball bat from that position,” I thought.
“I think we’re spending too much money here … blah … there … blah … and we’ve gone a bit silly in this area … blah … too.”
“To do this reno, something’s gotta give.” Then I exercised my option to shut up.
Mrs DebtMan is in charge of household spending. We both earn, but the shopping (for everything, even my clothes) is her domain.
I hate shopping. She loves it. So, it’s a win-win. But when I used the royal “we” in regards to spending, I really meant “she”. Sure, I benefit from her expenditure, but she’s in charge.
I was ready for the lighting of fireworks. More specifically, lit crackers being shoved up my bum. But there was silence. Importantly, she didn’t explode.
“Okay, well, how do you think we should do it?” she asked.
What followed was not an argument – and we’ve had some beauties over money – but a conversation.
“Okay,” she said. “Do we walk around with notepads and write down everything that we spend for two weeks? Do you want to analyse our credit card bill and then chat about it? I’ve probably gone overboard on the fake tans lately.”
NO SARCASM! Damnit, did I just lose? Or were we both winners by not fighting?
Relationships and money are a notoriously explosive mix. Money ranks as a top-three cause of fighting in relationships.
The fights are usually about spending too much on something one person sees as a “waste”. But opposites attract, so spenders teaming up with savers is the norm. Fights also occur because it’s a one-income household, over spending priorities for the kids, over debt, “secret spending”, or whether to use savings for investment or a holiday.
Money is so personal. It can mean freedom, be a ball and chain, a blessing, a stress, a necessity or the root of evil.
So, some tips regarding financial fights in relationships.
First, respect. Understand you’re a team. The object is not to win, but to achieve financial comfort that works for everyone, including the kids.
Second, forget the blame game. If you want to achieve a result, accept some responsibility. If they’ll make cuts here, where are you prepared to? When I say Mrs D spends the money, I’m talking about the shopping. Entertainment, dinners and babysitters are enjoyed equally, so I’ll suffer there.
Third, agree on some medium and long term goals. Money helps you enjoy life now, but saving can help you enjoy life in the future, potentially without having to work so hard. Some things require a few weeks of saving. Others take months or years and require investing.
Fourth, be honest. Get to the real problem. Hiding money issues, or lying about the real problem, won’t help.
Okay, I was a teeny bit dishonest with Mrs D. But she is REALLY good at arguing. If I don’t go in prepared, I’m dead meat! And because I stuck to rules one to three, a little white lie on four got the result this time.
Bruce Brammall is the author of Debt Man Walking (www.debtman.com.au) and a licensed financial adviser. bruce@debtman.com.au.